Bullied into the operating room

I recently heard a news report on a television morning show about children seeking plastic surgery to correct physical blemishes that they say make them targets of teasing and bullying.

Even more alarming is the fact that some parents appear to support putting their own children under the cosmetic knife.

What in the world?

So, little Susie comes home crying because her ears stick out too far and her schoolmates tease her about them. The solution? Plastic surgery, of course. Just pin those little ol’ ears back and Susie will never be laughed at again. Problem solved, right? Wrong.

I can speak from experience and with authority that the bullying doesn’t end just because there’s nothing visible for bullies to laugh at.

As a young boy, I had a bright red birth mark right smack-dab in the middle of my forehead. I looked like one of those Indian women with the red dots on their foreheads. To top it off, I wore thick framed glasses. I was laughed at and teased incessantly. By the seventh grade, though, both my glasses and my birthmark were gone. Yet, the teasing and the bullying continued. Why? Because it was me—and not my physical appearance—that the bullies targeted. I was just one of those children to whom bullies were drawn because of my quiet good-naturedness. I seemed like an easy target for being picked on.

Make no mistake: Bullies tend to know the kids that they can get away with teasing or bullying. They are the kids less likely to fight back; who will walk or run away rather than stand up to them; and/or who will take the abuse because they want so badly to be accepted and to fit in.

I think it is a grave mistake for parents to support cosmetic plastic surgery for their children as a solution to being teased or bullied. The negative messages that parents subconsciously send their children are that (1) they agree there’s a physical problem needing correction, and (2) there’s no other more reasonable solution.

My mother always insisted that she liked my birth mark because it made me unique and special. She told me God gave me my birth mark to remind me that I am His child, too, and that He loves me. Mom said that the birth mark made it easier for God to see me amidst the billions of other children in the world. Dad, meanwhile, told me that my glasses made me look sharp, distinguished and sophisticated. No matter how many times I came home crying, mom was always there with a reassuring hug that told me someone loved and accepted me just the way I was. I didn’t need to change my appearance to be loved and accepted. I believe that is the healthiest and most positive message parents can send their children.

There are three really big pitfalls to using plastic surgery as a way to combat bullying and teasing.

First, the root of the problem is not being addressed. Children are teased because of who or what they are, and because the bully has found them to be an easy target for their teasing or bullying. Physical blemishes just give a bully something to point at, but they are not the targets. The children themselves are.

Second, parents who consent to plastic surgery as an anti-bullying method are sending a destructive message to their children: It is better to run away from your problems instead of facing them. This teaches them nothing constructive. They do not learn how to handle themselves internally during hard times, because they find themselves stuck in “fight or flight” mode all of the time.

And third, the corrective plastic surgery approach only validates a bully's reasons for targeting a child. As a parent, I cannot even fathom telling my kid that, "yeah, you've got a big nose. Maybe we should get it fixed so you won't be laughed at anymore." The last thing parents need to be telling their children is that the bullies are right and justified in their actions. That is precisely the message we send our children when we agree that there is something physically wrong with them that needs to be corrected.

By encouraging our children to change their appearances because of bullying we are telling them that what they look like isn't good enough for others; and especially for those who love them the most.

Should we really be telling a kid that s/he isn't good enough the way s/he is, and that perhaps s/he will never be truly "good enough," because physical perfection is an impossible pursuit? I perish the thought.